Darby lives!

Picking my baby up from the Indianapolis emergency vet tonight.  Hopefully.  I love that little booger.  $2500 worth of pure, unadulterated love.

Never gonna know you now

but I'm gonna love you anyhow...

I wish I could say that I didn't still miss him.  I wish I could say that I didn't still think of him.  I wish I could say that it didn't make me sad when people talked about when he used to be around.  

I wish I weren't falling for people just because they reminded me of him.

It isn't fair that I'm not getting over it.  Not fair that, even when I'm less sad, I'm still sad about it.  Being with someone who reminds me so much of him, but is so much nicer, more considerate... so much more into me... so now, of course, the chemistry isn't there.  Now, of course, I want something more.  Maybe I just love the unknowability.  Maybe it's not the person, but the idea.  

I've always wanted things that were never there.

Plane crash footage on TV

I know, I know that could be me

Today I decided to change up what I normally listen to at the gym.  In a somewhat bizarre decision, I chose to listen to Superchunk, and it got me thinking.  He would've been so proud... not only because he introduced me to the band, but because he himself would always work out to Superchunk.  I miss him.  I miss being able to share things with him.  So many of the things I'm doing now I think he would get such a kick out of... Darby, going to Costa Rica, moving back to France, the show I plan on developing for the travel network.  I think he'd be so into all of it.  I wish I could tell him about it... or at least let him know that I still think about him every so often.  It sucks losing best friends to wives and babies.  It sucks when you have so much in common with a person... it's not about romance or sex, it's about friendship.  Being able to dream and achieve dreams.  Living vicariously one through the other.  I wish I could just email him... fund out how work is going in Syracuse, tell him about my friend in Indiana's library science program.  It's been so long... over 2 years... and I still think about how much he'd love to know about what I'm doing... how much I'd love to know about what he's doing.  It's not fair.

I leave for Costa Rica tomorrow.  Hiking through the rainforest, climbing an active volcano, snorkeling in the Pacific of Central America.  I'm excited.  Enchanted.  I feel like I'll come back feeling the way that I felt about North Africa.  Peaceful, connected to myself and the world.  I needed this.  I'm excited for this.  I'm going to miss Darby.

Oh the tangled webs we weave

Insanity is when you keep doing the same things

expecting different results.

It was more or less the natural progression of an already awkward circumstance.  I would never have expected anything less.  Now?  Well, thank god the school year is almost over.  Let's try our best to avoid any repeat performances.  Let's try our best to ignore that this ever happened.  Thank goodness for Bloomington's diverse and numbered dining scene.  But, hey... at least we're ending a streak.  And after a year and a half?  Well, it was bound to happen eventually.

OMFG

It's November 2007

Everything worth it hurts a little bit

You don't wanna run away, and I won't let you anyway.

I wish it were warmer already.  I don't have enough to do.  It's been too cold for the dog park, though we went today for a bit.  It's hard for me to stay motivated when I'm at home all day.  It's not about being at work.  Lord knows I'd rather not.  I'd like it to be nice enough for Darby and I to go on long walks, hang out at the dog park, be outside for long periods of time, etc.  I know that it will be worth it.  I guess I just have to work on my dedication?  I have too much time to think.  I need less time for thinking and more time for doing.  It's supposed to get warm soon.  I, of course, will be working during the day the first few days of warmth.  Monday, of course, it will be dropping back into the 50's.  What a life.

Oh yeah the grass is green

But can you tell me, can you feel it?

I wanna feel it.  Just had to strengthen my resolve.  The cycle has begun.  And now there's no stopping it till it's run its course.  I feel more determined than I have in a while.  Getting my life back on track?  At least getting it to a place where I can feel happy and accomplished.  The thing about me is that I can't leave things open-ended.  I've never been able to.  It's a character flaw maybe.  I have to have closure.  Everything needs a definitive beginning, middle, and end.  It's why I was always so good at essay writing.  Introduction, Defense 1, Defense 2, Defense 3, Summary.  There's no room for interpretation.  It is what it is.  I'm defining schedules for myself.  I'm not allowing myself to deviate from them.  Set goals and attain them.  Do or do not (there is no try).

Game.

Set.

Match.

Say you wanna get in

And then you wanna get out

You have to want it enough.  I think I finally want it enough.  Just like last time.  I'll do it for a purpose.  One month.  Maybe two.  That's all it should take.  You have to spend money to make money.  You just have to keep the discipline.  I've got the money to buy myself a castle.  Might not wear my leisure... but I'll try not to waste it.  Esoteric much?  It's time for sleep if I'm going to wake up committed.  In it to win it.  Just gotta get the courage to win.

Happy is what happens

Sometimes I have trouble breathing.  So giddy with joy am I.  I've never been so excited to go anywhere.  I can't wait to feel cobblestone under my feet.  I can't wait to hear the click clack of cars driving over metal plates on the road.  I can't wait for screen-less windows and shutters... for Thanksgiving at the beach.  Everything I wanted.  September can't come soon enough.  I'm a changed person going back this time.  And I intend to make the most of it.  Good luck dragging me home again.  I'm well aware of where I belong.

Did your heart break enough

Did it break enough this time?

I always thought that it was as bad as you could get... having a broken heart.  Heartbroken now, I feel a million times worse knowing that I broke yours.  Maybe the problem is that I feel too much.  I wish I were a better person. It's hard to look at someone, knowing that you embody both the best and the worst that they see in the world.  I wish that I could feel differently... that I could take the opportunities handed to me and embrace, rather than rebuke, them.  Perhaps it's a fault of my youth.  I'm young enough that I still think I can find what I'm looking for.  Restlessness.  Not ironically, it can't be confined to a place or an idea.  It spreads like a cancer to every aspect of your life.  A child of the 80s... the seaweed is always greener in somebody else's lake.  I still think it exists somewhere.  I know because I've touched it.  I've held it for fleeting moments.  Seaweed, though, is slippery.  No matter how green, it gets restless too.  I try to pretend it doesn't bother me when salmon swim upstream.  When metaphors  spill into the Gulf of Mexico.  When  everyone gets taken along  for the ride and ends up miles from where they always saw themselves ending up.  It does bother me.  I wish I could know for a fact what would and wouldn't work out.  I could stop it before I got too invested.  Before you got too invested.  Maybe my premonition is lacking.  Maybe it was never there to begin with, and I'm left just as confused as you.  I wish I could change it.  Go back months... 2 years... not make the decisions I made that wound up taking the reigns of my feelings.  But I can't.  So instead I'll just go.  It's weird to think who will even still remain a part of my life.  It's unfortunate to feel that it may be better for us all if they don't.  New beginnings.  Same endings.  Nothing gold can...

Fuck it.

They don't call it fool's gold for nothing.

There was no snake oil cure for unlucky in love

But I'd do it all again.

Let's build ourselves a fire?  Time is of the essence.  T minus.  Minus T. 

It's okay.  I've never been so sure.

If you don't, don't

at the least could we be friends?

It's hard when you know you've done the right thing... but you're still sad because you wish the wrong thing had been right...  Life should only ever work out the way that you want it to...

Meltdown

Ur doin it wrong

Don't wanna be an American idiot

Sometimes people are really, really painfully ignorant.  If there's one thing in the world that I have trouble tolerating, that's it.  Ignorance.  I feel like if people were actually educated on present events with a global perspective, they wouldn't say half of the things that they do.  There wouldn't be half of the dissent that there is.  I might be pretty far left wing.  I'd venture to say that I border on socialism.  I'm not, however, saying that I think conservatism is ignorant.  American politics would collapse if not for a two party system.  Honestly, I feel as though we should have MORE than two parties.  I don't believe that one party should dominate politics -- or even that one party is absolutely right.  That would be fascism.  What I do believe is that most people don't care to educate themselves on current events, the world, and how we, as Americans, relate to that world.

I don't believe that Obama is magic.  Hell... I don't even believe that Jesus is magic (Sarah Silverman is closer).  I don't think that he'll wiggle his fingers and all of the problems in the world (or even in America) will be solved.  It's going to take awhile for him to even make a dent in the mess we've gotten ourselves into... and who can say if he'll even be able?  But the fact of the matter is that WE have gotten ourselves into that mess, and we cannot expect HIM to get us out of it.  One man can't do the work of a nation... no matter how innovative and resourceful he is.  And although conservatives will argue that we liberals think he's the next messiah, I don't believe that most of us do.  He can only do what a man can do.  It is up to a nation to make real change.  I can't say that everything will be perfect.  What I can say is that, for the first time since I myself have emerged on a global plane, I will not be ashamed to say that I am an American.  And I will not avoid eye contact with discussion of America in a global perspective.  MY global perspective began in 2003.  For the first time in 6 years, I will be comfortable admitting that we have faltered as a nation because I know now that we're TRYING to regain our footing.  He's not gonna be perfect.  No one is.  But if you tell me that he could possibly make things WORSE... well, I'll believe it when I see it.

Anytime anyplace anywhere any day, anyway

Call me.

Or, rather, don't.  My phone has been acting strange for awhile now.  I probably should have thought ahead.  It started innocently enough.  Turning itself off.  At first only occasionally.  Then 10 times a day.  But then it would stop for 3 weeks and function just fine.  Next comes the battery bar.  The battery appeared to be draining ridiculously fast.  Write one text message and you go from full battery down to half.  Sounds like trouble.  Except that the battery bar would be totally empty and the phone would still function.  I could write 15 texts on zero battery.  Talk to the parents for an hour on zero battery.  I started to ignore the lack of battery bars.  I got complacent.  You'd think I would have learned with the Sebring and its idiot lights.  No oil, overheated engine.  Take it in, my oil and coolant levels are just fine.  A week later, the same thing.  Take it in again, levels are still a-ok.  A week later, same thing.  Take it in again, no worries here.  The car that cried wolf... of course, until I was headed to Indianapolis on a Friday evening for a weekend wedding, then KAPOW!  Time to buy a new car, cupcake -- your engine overheated and all your oil burned out.  But who can blame me after I got the car checked 15 times for the same problem (at different places, mind you), and nothing was ever wrong with it??  Anyway, back to the phone (I'm not bitter about it.  Ha!).  So after all that trouble, I start to ignore the idiot lights.  Now tonight, all of a sudden, my phone starts blinking no battery power and shuts off.  And every time I turn it back on, it shuts off again.  Plug it into the wall, turn it on, sorry no battery.  Goodnight, moon.  I don't know if it's the phone itself or the charger.  My contract with AT&T isn't up for renewal (read as: new phone eligibility) until August, and I'll theoretically be leaving about then anyway.  This is my 2nd phone in 2 years... they just don't make them like they used to.  I early college Sony Ericsson was a beast, but, damnit, it lasted me for 3 years, and my mom is STILL using it.  So tomorrow I'm heading out to see if I can find a new charger for it.  Hopefully that will solve the problem, and it's not actually that the battery won't hold a charge.  If that doesn't work, it looks like I'll be in the market for a new/used phone.  Hopefully someone takes pity on me and just gives me one for free.  Ha!  But regardless, until that happens, I am incommunicado via phone.  Yippee.

Edit:  I'm an idiot.  Next time I should probably check to see if we knocked the charger out of the wall while we were having sex.  My bad.

6725

kilomètres de moi

Blogging again.  Do we think it will last?  Probably not.  But here's an attempt and an explanation.  An attempt at an explanation, so to speak.

Today I turned in my application for the assistant program via the French embassy.  If all goes according to plan, and I don't know why it wouldn't, although I don't intend to jinx myself, I'll be shipping off to France again in September in order to start teaching in October.  Will it be a career building experience for me?  Who knows.  Theoretically, I still intend on getting my doctorate in psychology.  Berkeley 2010 is what I keep telling myself.  Whether or not it's likely that I'll fill out and send my grad school applications from abroad is debatable.  Maybe I'll make it my summer project.  Letters of rec what what?  I'm going to have to work on that.  Aloof was I -- never one to build relationships with professors.  Maybe that was my folly.  Of course, in the back of my mind, I've been tossing around that Ph.D. in French.  Dooming myself to a lifetime of professor-dom.  Dooming myself to a life of struggling to publish -- writing writing writing and probably getting nowhere fast.  How can you compete with native speakers?  Especially when my ultimate goal is just being there.  Maybe I'll just move to St-Tropez and live off the land.

Of course now the problem is that the application is in and I'm just waiting.  Forever it will seem.  I've always lived six months in the future.  It's why I struggle to make and attain goals.  I only think far enough in advance to dwell on the practicalities of living.  Where?  When?  How?  How much?  I never stop apartment hunting.  I start the day I move in.  Where next?  I can't help but feel like it would be nice to be in a place that I could see myself living for long enough that I didn't have to constantly hunt for an abode.  Bloomington a year, France a year, Bloomington for two, Bloomington for one (and dog), France for one (and dog).  Every breath is spent anticipating the next.  Maybe I should concentrate more on the one I'm taking.  Maybe it would make the difference... make me less nervous.  I look to destinations as solutions.  But no home is ever as perfect as the one I've already left.  What if that's how it will always be?

Montpellier, Grenoble, Poitiers.  Those were my preferences.  In that order.  Honestly -- who picks Poitiers?  I wanted to stay south.  Most people want to be near Paris (6725 kilometers from Indianapolis to Paris).  Paris is movies.  I'm old enough to know that life isn't a movie, and moving to a place that makes me think like one will only leave me disillusioned.  Nice for a visit.  Nice for a weekend romance.  I want the south.  I want the Mediterranean.  Grenoble and Poitiers aren't the Mediterranean.  Not by a long shot.  But, hey, they aren't Franche-Comté either (the mere thought of Stendhal would drive me to drink... ironic that he was born in Grenoble but I associate him with the F-C).  I also want the warmth of the south... this weather is killing me, and we aren't in Berkeley yet.  I'm trying to prepare myself for Grenoble and Poitiers, but, let's face it, I'm going to be disillusioned if I don't get Montpellier.  I want what I want... and, deep down, I think I deserve it.  If not me, then who?  And why them?  Setting myself up for disappointment.  My Achilles' heel.  But happy is what happens when dreams come true, isn't it?

Anyway, I'm trying to start the blog again.  It will likely be unread until I find out for sure... then I'll start actually notifying people of it so that they may keep up with what's going on.  Until then...