Never gonna know you now

but I'm gonna love you anyhow...

I wish I could say that I didn't still miss him.  I wish I could say that I didn't still think of him.  I wish I could say that it didn't make me sad when people talked about when he used to be around.  

I wish I weren't falling for people just because they reminded me of him.

It isn't fair that I'm not getting over it.  Not fair that, even when I'm less sad, I'm still sad about it.  Being with someone who reminds me so much of him, but is so much nicer, more considerate... so much more into me... so now, of course, the chemistry isn't there.  Now, of course, I want something more.  Maybe I just love the unknowability.  Maybe it's not the person, but the idea.  

I've always wanted things that were never there.

Plane crash footage on TV

I know, I know that could be me

Today I decided to change up what I normally listen to at the gym.  In a somewhat bizarre decision, I chose to listen to Superchunk, and it got me thinking.  He would've been so proud... not only because he introduced me to the band, but because he himself would always work out to Superchunk.  I miss him.  I miss being able to share things with him.  So many of the things I'm doing now I think he would get such a kick out of... Darby, going to Costa Rica, moving back to France, the show I plan on developing for the travel network.  I think he'd be so into all of it.  I wish I could tell him about it... or at least let him know that I still think about him every so often.  It sucks losing best friends to wives and babies.  It sucks when you have so much in common with a person... it's not about romance or sex, it's about friendship.  Being able to dream and achieve dreams.  Living vicariously one through the other.  I wish I could just email him... fund out how work is going in Syracuse, tell him about my friend in Indiana's library science program.  It's been so long... over 2 years... and I still think about how much he'd love to know about what I'm doing... how much I'd love to know about what he's doing.  It's not fair.

I leave for Costa Rica tomorrow.  Hiking through the rainforest, climbing an active volcano, snorkeling in the Pacific of Central America.  I'm excited.  Enchanted.  I feel like I'll come back feeling the way that I felt about North Africa.  Peaceful, connected to myself and the world.  I needed this.  I'm excited for this.  I'm going to miss Darby.

Oh the tangled webs we weave