And I've made / I've made up for my mistakes / Cause the pain of what I'd caused / Won't be shit next to what I have lost / And I hated being fucking patient / But you waited / You waited / You waited
So I guess I owe him that. Now it's my turn to wait. I've never been good with waiting. I make decisions, and I'm so sure of them that I need them to happen immediately. After all, I got myself into this mess in the first place. 02/16/2009: "It's hard when you know you've done the right thing... but you're still sad because you wish the wrong thing had been right... Life should only ever work out the way that you want it to." I wish I could have explained that at the time... that none of this was what I wanted... that we were victims of circumstance. I wish I'd broken up with Dave when I began having doubts about us. 02/01/2010: "I'm in a relationship with a man I love... a man who absolutely loves me. I'm happy with us. I am. So why, then, do I feel like -- may have been the love of my lifetime if only he'd stayed on ---- Should I have been more patient? Could I have stuck beside him until he got the help he needed?" If I was thinking those things... I had no business being in a relationship with Dave. Why would you ever stay in a relationship with someone who you knew wasn't the love of your life? I was "happy enough." But "happy enough" isn't happy. It's barely holding on to something hoping it will fulfill you. Then it doesn't, and it's too late. You've been "happy enough" for so long that you don't remember what happy feels like. I can't really settle for "happy enough" now. I wish you couldn't either. It's not easy to separate your mind from your gut. It's not easy to turn off your brain. I understand that. What can I do to prove how I feel? I wish he could listen to himself when he talked... maybe that would elucidate everything for him. I wish I could have played back the conversation yesterday where he said he knew what his gut felt but started using his brain when he got back home when he said that his gut was telling him two different things. His gut is only telling him one thing. The same thing his gut has been telling him since I did the wrong right thing.
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