Waiting

And I've made / I've made up for my mistakes / Cause the pain of what I'd caused / Won't be shit next to what I have lost / And I hated being fucking patient / But you waited / You waited / You waited

So I guess I owe him that. Now it's my turn to wait. I've never been good with waiting. I make decisions, and I'm so sure of them that I need them to happen immediately. After all, I got myself into this mess in the first place. 02/16/2009: "It's hard when you know you've done the right thing... but you're still sad because you wish the wrong thing had been right... Life should only ever work out the way that you want it to." I wish I could have explained that at the time... that none of this was what I wanted... that we were victims of circumstance. I wish I'd broken up with Dave when I began having doubts about us. 02/01/2010: "I'm in a relationship with a man I love... a man who absolutely loves me. I'm happy with us. I am. So why, then, do I feel like -- may have been the love of my lifetime if only he'd stayed on ---- Should I have been more patient? Could I have stuck beside him until he got the help he needed?" If I was thinking those things... I had no business being in a relationship with Dave. Why would you ever stay in a relationship with someone who you knew wasn't the love of your life? I was "happy enough." But "happy enough" isn't happy. It's barely holding on to something hoping it will fulfill you. Then it doesn't, and it's too late. You've been "happy enough" for so long that you don't remember what happy feels like. I can't really settle for "happy enough" now. I wish you couldn't either. It's not easy to separate your mind from your gut. It's not easy to turn off your brain. I understand that. What can I do to prove how I feel? I wish he could listen to himself when he talked... maybe that would elucidate everything for him. I wish I could have played back the conversation yesterday where he said he knew what his gut felt but started using his brain when he got back home when he said that his gut was telling him two different things. His gut is only telling him one thing. The same thing his gut has been telling him since I did the wrong right thing.

And I wish I could touch you / If I wasn't miles away / We could talk it all out / In your clean white place / Now I've done all the waiting I think I can stand / And I want you to know

All come to look for America

There was a time when I was creating this site as a travel blog. Here it is March. I've been traveling for some time now yet have not made a single entry since I left America. The problem with highly publicized permanent moves abroad is that sometimes you don't realize what you have until it's gone. Actually, I never realize what I have until it's much too late. Misjudged your limits. Pushed you too far. Took you for granted. I thought that... I don't know what I thought. Who would've known I'd miss little old Bloomington, Indiana so? Sometimes you can't recapture the past... not without the same people, the same circumstances... I've always said, life is hard. Now I'm back to Bloomington. Back to basics. Back to Upland. Back to school? Even that. It's amazing what a difference a year can make. T-minus. Minus T? Time does fly. And even old wounds heal up eventually. Took me a long time to figure things out. Took me a long time to stop running. It's gonna take even longer to get my life back on track. Hindsight is. Now I'm 20/20 too. Catching up. April 30th. We've set a date. Carved it in stone. On se revoit? Alors, c'est au revoir.