Waiting

And I've made / I've made up for my mistakes / Cause the pain of what I'd caused / Won't be shit next to what I have lost / And I hated being fucking patient / But you waited / You waited / You waited

So I guess I owe him that. Now it's my turn to wait. I've never been good with waiting. I make decisions, and I'm so sure of them that I need them to happen immediately. After all, I got myself into this mess in the first place. 02/16/2009: "It's hard when you know you've done the right thing... but you're still sad because you wish the wrong thing had been right... Life should only ever work out the way that you want it to." I wish I could have explained that at the time... that none of this was what I wanted... that we were victims of circumstance. I wish I'd broken up with Dave when I began having doubts about us. 02/01/2010: "I'm in a relationship with a man I love... a man who absolutely loves me. I'm happy with us. I am. So why, then, do I feel like -- may have been the love of my lifetime if only he'd stayed on ---- Should I have been more patient? Could I have stuck beside him until he got the help he needed?" If I was thinking those things... I had no business being in a relationship with Dave. Why would you ever stay in a relationship with someone who you knew wasn't the love of your life? I was "happy enough." But "happy enough" isn't happy. It's barely holding on to something hoping it will fulfill you. Then it doesn't, and it's too late. You've been "happy enough" for so long that you don't remember what happy feels like. I can't really settle for "happy enough" now. I wish you couldn't either. It's not easy to separate your mind from your gut. It's not easy to turn off your brain. I understand that. What can I do to prove how I feel? I wish he could listen to himself when he talked... maybe that would elucidate everything for him. I wish I could have played back the conversation yesterday where he said he knew what his gut felt but started using his brain when he got back home when he said that his gut was telling him two different things. His gut is only telling him one thing. The same thing his gut has been telling him since I did the wrong right thing.

And I wish I could touch you / If I wasn't miles away / We could talk it all out / In your clean white place / Now I've done all the waiting I think I can stand / And I want you to know

All come to look for America

There was a time when I was creating this site as a travel blog. Here it is March. I've been traveling for some time now yet have not made a single entry since I left America. The problem with highly publicized permanent moves abroad is that sometimes you don't realize what you have until it's gone. Actually, I never realize what I have until it's much too late. Misjudged your limits. Pushed you too far. Took you for granted. I thought that... I don't know what I thought. Who would've known I'd miss little old Bloomington, Indiana so? Sometimes you can't recapture the past... not without the same people, the same circumstances... I've always said, life is hard. Now I'm back to Bloomington. Back to basics. Back to Upland. Back to school? Even that. It's amazing what a difference a year can make. T-minus. Minus T? Time does fly. And even old wounds heal up eventually. Took me a long time to figure things out. Took me a long time to stop running. It's gonna take even longer to get my life back on track. Hindsight is. Now I'm 20/20 too. Catching up. April 30th. We've set a date. Carved it in stone. On se revoit? Alors, c'est au revoir.

Darby lives!

Picking my baby up from the Indianapolis emergency vet tonight.  Hopefully.  I love that little booger.  $2500 worth of pure, unadulterated love.

Never gonna know you now

but I'm gonna love you anyhow...

I wish I could say that I didn't still miss him.  I wish I could say that I didn't still think of him.  I wish I could say that it didn't make me sad when people talked about when he used to be around.  

I wish I weren't falling for people just because they reminded me of him.

It isn't fair that I'm not getting over it.  Not fair that, even when I'm less sad, I'm still sad about it.  Being with someone who reminds me so much of him, but is so much nicer, more considerate... so much more into me... so now, of course, the chemistry isn't there.  Now, of course, I want something more.  Maybe I just love the unknowability.  Maybe it's not the person, but the idea.  

I've always wanted things that were never there.

Plane crash footage on TV

I know, I know that could be me

Today I decided to change up what I normally listen to at the gym.  In a somewhat bizarre decision, I chose to listen to Superchunk, and it got me thinking.  He would've been so proud... not only because he introduced me to the band, but because he himself would always work out to Superchunk.  I miss him.  I miss being able to share things with him.  So many of the things I'm doing now I think he would get such a kick out of... Darby, going to Costa Rica, moving back to France, the show I plan on developing for the travel network.  I think he'd be so into all of it.  I wish I could tell him about it... or at least let him know that I still think about him every so often.  It sucks losing best friends to wives and babies.  It sucks when you have so much in common with a person... it's not about romance or sex, it's about friendship.  Being able to dream and achieve dreams.  Living vicariously one through the other.  I wish I could just email him... fund out how work is going in Syracuse, tell him about my friend in Indiana's library science program.  It's been so long... over 2 years... and I still think about how much he'd love to know about what I'm doing... how much I'd love to know about what he's doing.  It's not fair.

I leave for Costa Rica tomorrow.  Hiking through the rainforest, climbing an active volcano, snorkeling in the Pacific of Central America.  I'm excited.  Enchanted.  I feel like I'll come back feeling the way that I felt about North Africa.  Peaceful, connected to myself and the world.  I needed this.  I'm excited for this.  I'm going to miss Darby.

Oh the tangled webs we weave

Insanity is when you keep doing the same things

expecting different results.

It was more or less the natural progression of an already awkward circumstance.  I would never have expected anything less.  Now?  Well, thank god the school year is almost over.  Let's try our best to avoid any repeat performances.  Let's try our best to ignore that this ever happened.  Thank goodness for Bloomington's diverse and numbered dining scene.  But, hey... at least we're ending a streak.  And after a year and a half?  Well, it was bound to happen eventually.